Hi! I have been gone for a while. For the whole of February and March, actually. But really, I've been "gone" for a lot longer, and today I'm finally ready to talk about it a little bit.
I have depression. It feels a little weird saying that, but I do. I've been taking medication since the middle of August. I finally decided to go talk to my awesome doctor and get some help after a couple of months of blah. But so much more than blah--ULTRAblah. I have always been a list person, as so many of you know. I have been an "accomplisher." And, beginning last winter but getting worse and worse as the summer wore on, I just couldn't any more. Couldn't exercise. Couldn't budget. Couldn't parent the way I wanted to. Couldn't cook the way I normally do. Couldn't go outside and really enjoy myself. Just COULDN'T. No matter how much I wanted to, it just didn't happen. I would make myself a list each night and the next day, consider it a good day if I put on real clothes.
This winter has been pretty dark. Even with medication, it felt like I was riding a roller coaster of can and can't each month. Some of this has to do with my hormones, (I thought being a hormonal teenager was bad--I'd take that over this any day!) some of it has to do with our dark, gray winters, and some of it is just unknowable. I would do okay for a week or two--actually get things done, cook good meals, keep my house in order and my family on track. And then, it was like a switch would flip and I would have to sit on my couch and do nothing. It was a horrible cycle--I would not be able to do anything, like make dinner, so I'd order us a pizza, which hit our budget and my hips like a ton of bricks. Then I'd feel fat/guilty for eating pizza and sad/guilty about spending money, and which made me feel less able to do anything, which made me feel more guilty, which perpetuated my inabilities. I felt guilty for not being able to do laundry until there were no more underwear left in the drawer, I felt guilty for begging Dave to take the boys somewhere, anywhere, as long as they were out of the house, and buy them dinner while they were out, I felt guilty every time Dave got out the broom. And around and around and around.... And this is just a small slice of the trouble--no pun intended!
Finally, I feel like I have had a personal revelation of sorts, in part due to a beautiful talk from last October's General Conference. This is incredibly personal, but I am ready to share. Lately, as I have been praying, I visualize these things that weigh me down as a huge black bag that I have been dragging around for oh, so very long. I picture myself laying this bag down at the feet of my Savior. Every time I do this, I feel so much more capable of handling the things that come my way. I know that my burdens are understood by Him, and even though they are not as heavy as cancer, or death of a loved one, or living in a war-torn area, they matter to Him because I am going through them. I am trying to remind myself that because my Savior died for my sins and understands my very real weaknesses, He can help me through them.
Unlike the flu, depression doesn't just go away. Right now, I am definitely on the upswing of things. I have been able to get dressed, go on a walk, cook, parent, budget, just manage my life. I know this is more a tender mercy of my loving Heavenly Father than anything I have done on my own. I feel more able to cope with bad days that will inevitably come. I love a quote from Elder Jeffrey R. Holland: "to be happy, do what happy people do!" For me, happiness comes with a routine, and I feel enabled to stick with them. I still feel like I have a long row to hoe, but I know I will get there with the loving help of my Heavenly Father and my Savior.
I can't make any guarantees about how regularly I'll be posting on the blog. I will try, but I may go silent as I continue in this little journey. Please know I may just be sitting on my couch, but at least I'm trying to get up!
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